Title: Stray Tears
Author: Suz
Date: 27 Dec 99 - 02 Jan 00

Disclaimer: Tell me off all you want, it's not like it's going to stop me writing and besides 
I've got no money... oh okay then, they're not mine... their Hal's, and Seven's and Southern 
Star's and... get the picture!

Dedication: Ness... COME HOME, I really do need you!!! Oh and D, you rock coz you're just like 
Ness, only more evil and besides, we have twin Tarzan posters!! And she's my co-Secret Tarzan 
Agent! [Copy Agent 2. Over]
Oh and Sim... what do I say? <bg> And to Pip coz she'll prolly make me anyways!!

~~~~
STRAY TEARS
By Suzie
~~~~

PJ curled up in the corner and wiped the tears from his face. It wasn't doing much good. They 
just kept coming, they didn't stop.
He let his head droop once more as he turned her ring over in his fingers once again... gone...
 she was just gone...
Glancing around the room he closed his eyes briefly to gain some composure before opening the 
door.

"PJ, how are you holding up? Sorry, stupid question really." He opened and closed his mouth 
several times before giving up and turning to walk back into the living room. He mumbled 
something about a coffee. Chris nodded and PJ headed toward the kitchen.

The mug smashed into several pieces on the floor and he bent down to pick it up cutting his 
finger on a sharp edge.

"Blood..."

"PJ, leave it, I'll do it." He froze holding a large piece of the now broken mug.

"This was hers... I, I broke it. I broke her, it's my fault."

"PJ, no... It's not your fault you know that right?" He nodded slightly and turned the broken 
piece of mug over in his hand and held the outside up to his cheek.

There was another knock on the door and he made his way to the door to open it.

"PJ, I'm so sorry. I can't believe it." Dash reached up and threw her arms around his neck. "I 
miss her so much I can't imagine how you feel."

"You don't want to imagine Dash." He pulled her tight towards him and held her for several 
moments. Dash tried to pull away from him but was unsuccessful.

"PJ, I can't breathe."

"Sorry," he mumbled and turned back to the kitchen where Chris was cleaning up the mug and about
 to dump it in the rubbish bin.

"NO!" He took several large steps and took the broken pieces away from her. "Don't throw it out,
 you can't... It's hers... please."

Dash embraced Chris tightly and began crying again.

"I don't know how she, she di... how did she..." Dash fumbled over the words not wanting to say
 it. Maybe if she didn't it wouldn't be true, it would all be a bad dream, it wouldn't be 
real... It couldn't be.

~~~~
In a dream
You and I
Laughing together
Could it be, always this way?
~~~~

Later that night PJ lay on his couch alone, holding her jumper that she'd worn only two 
days before. It still smelt of her. He held it against his chest and closed his eyes. It 
was like he was holding her once again. Like she was there again. With him.

The phone rang shrilly startling him, he reached over to the coffee table picking it 
up.

"Hello."

"Patrick, how are you? Are you and Maggie still coming up to see me next week?"

"Mum..."

"Patrick, what's wrong?"

"It's Maggie Mum."

"She is pregnant? You should be happy with that? No?"

"No Mamma, it's not that Maggie's..." he paused for several moments before uttering the word, 
"dead."

"Oh Patrick." PJ choked on the words as he explained it to her, his mother sobbed quietly over
 the phone for over an hour and they sat in silence for the most part until PJ hung up and 
lay back down on the couch until he fell asleep.

~~~~
Don't close your eyes.
Don't hold it in.
Reach out to me!
Let it all begin!
~~~~

"PJ! Open the door please? PJ!" Startled PJ rolled over and fell onto the ground from the 
couch. Stumbling to the hallway he didn't bother to answer it.

"Go away, I don't want any visitors."

"Just open the door PJ." Ben's voice sounded stern.

"Ben, piss off okay. I want to be alone."

"You can't grieve by yourself mate, you need other people there to help you."

"No Ben. Go - a - way!" He tried spelling it out. "I don't need you!"

"PJ, maybe we need you." PJ unlocked the door and Ben heard it click and let himself in.

Ben walked through the house cautiously, not wanting to disturb anything she may have been last
 to touch. He found him sitting at the table this time holding the pieces of the broken mug 
from the day before. There was a small smear of blood on one of them, it was his from 
yesterday.

Ben looked at it and to him and then around the room, everything looked so familiar. Everything 
you could see showed that she was here often.

PJ raised his head slowly to look at Ben, he glanced down at the broken china in his hand.

"It was hers... I broke it yesterday. I, I, I broke it." Once again he fumbled over the words. 
He tried steadying his breathing, fighting against the tears wanting to cry. His face still 
blotchy from 3 days crying.

"PJ, you can cry, it's okay." Ben placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.

"I can't seem to mourn her, I need to grieve." PJ shrugged the hand off and Ben walked around 
to sit opposite him. He reached out for a piece of the mug. He held a bottom piece in his 
hand turning it over and over like PJ had done many times.

"No one is coping PJ, no one."

"I have one question."

"And?" Ben looked at him curiously, just one. He knew he wouldn't be able to answer it.

"Why?"

"I don't know," he replied simply. "I don't think anyone does."

"Why?" PJ spoke again this time more softly.

His thoughts were interrupted by another knock on the door, Ben stood to answer it as PJ's 
head drooped on the table once more.

He heard a pair of women's shoes click on the lino on the floor of the kitchen and he looked
 up.

"Mamma." He reached out toward her like a child and she came to him, comforting him as he 
buried his face in her stomach. He sobbed freely for what seemed like hours, but was only 
minutes. Even after the sobbing stopped he still held her.

~~~~
Oh, why you look so sad? 
The tears are in eyes 
Come on and come to me love, 
Don't be ashamed to cry 
Let me see you through, 
'Coz I've seen the dark side too.
~~~~

"I have to go out." PJ stood up that night stringing together the first coherent sentence 
in days.

"Patrick, where?"

"I'll be back Mamma, it's okay." He reached over and gave his mother a hug and a simple kiss
 on the cheek before picking up his jacket and leaving. The door clicked shut behind him.

~~~~

"Dash, visitor." Charlie disappeared down the dark hallway and Dash appeared seconds later.

"PJ." She was only half surprised by his visit. "Would you like to come in?" PJ shook his head
 and turned to leave. "We can talk outside if you like?" He stood still and Dash grabbed a 
jacket from the hall stand and followed PJ down the cracked concrete path. She stumbled on 
a stone and fell into his back. She could only mumble a sorry.

They sat side by side watching the sun go down over the top of the mountain. Silent. Neither 
had spoken a word, not needing too. Dash began sobbing again. Obviously haunted by her 
thoughts. PJ placed an arm around her and she was forcefully pulled into his shoulder and 
she sobbed into his jacket.

Several tears silently escaped PJ's eyes. He let them roll down his checks. Stray tears 
dropped into Dash's hair and rolled down her face. Many moments later they became somewhat
 composed and Dash sat up.

"I miss her so much," PJ's voice cracked as he spoke. "It's been a few days... I don't even 
know how many... and it hurts more each minute. Why doesn't this feeling go away?"

"It will PJ, in time it will. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Dash." They stared into one another's eyes for what 
could have been forever, but it wasn't. Only minutes.

Dash reached up and placed her hand over his eyes, shutting them softly. She moved closer
 and leant in and kissed him softly on the lips. As she imagined Maggie would have done. 
Holding the kiss for several moments she felt him begin to kiss back.

Minutes later he pulled away from her, eyes still shut.

"Maggie, I love you," his voice was barely above a whisper. He heard a slight sound beside 
him and opened his eyes to see the front door click shut.

~~~~
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been
And I don't want to go home right now
~~~~

"Patrick where have you been. I was worried."

"I went for a walk. I have to go to bed now." His mother nodded and gave him a quick hug.

~~~~

PJ fell back onto his bed and closed his eyes, hoping to get a decent amount of sleep.  
Something which hadn't occurred for several days now. Since... well since... "it." 
Breathing deeply he tried to avoid crying *again* it was wearing him out.

Stray tears fell down his cheeks as he rolled over and place his arm on the empty side of 
the bed... The place where she *should* have been.

Why was it empty? Why her? Why now? Why couldn't it have been before he fell in love with 
her? No... That was wrong. It should never have been her. He wouldn't wish his current pain
 on anyone. Not even his enemies and not even Ben.

~~~~
Sleep will not come to this tired body now
Peace will not come to this lonely heart
There are some things I'll live without
But I want you to know that I need you right now
I need you tonight
~~~~

Silently he padded down the hallway to the smell of coffee. Today was the day. It felt like 
"D" day. Actually admitting that it was happening. Admitting that it was real... And... 
admitting that she was gone forever. As if seeing her lifeless body beside him wasn't enough.
 To watch it be lowered into the ground...

"Good morning Patrick."

"Mamma." He sat at the table and watched her potter around the kitchen making his breakfast.
 He reached behind him to the bench and took a piece of the broken mug.

~~~~

"I can't go."

"PJ, you have to you know that. You can't *not* go."

"But..."

"PJ." Chris looked at him forcefully. She reached up and straightened his tie for him.

"But I can't just watch her... you know."

"It's closure PJ, you need it."

"I love her Chris, I love her so much that it hurts every moment I'm with her, and it hurts 
more when I'm not with her. It's not fair."

"I know it's not fair Peej, but, hell I don't know. But I guess it's life and you'll learn 
to live with it." Chris cringed knowing how harsh her words must have sounded.

"I don't want to learn to live with it. That's the thing."

"It's time." Tom opened the front door and waited for them to leave. Sighing he looked 
around, the whole room spelt her.

~~~~
And the world is at your feet
And it is our time to say
It's all gone wrong
Where did it all go wrong?
(Oh yeah, oh yeah)
~~~~

There wasn't a dry eye in the church. PJ stood next to Dash and she held his hand, each time 
the minister spoke her name she felt him squeeze her hand tightly. Many times she winced in
 pain, perhaps feeling his a little.

She tried to let go to give the eulogy.

"PJ," her voice was barely above a whisper. "I have to do this."

"Do her justice, okay, promise me that."

"I'll try PJ but I don't think that anyone will ever be able to do her justice in such a 
small amount of time."

PJ's mouth smiled sadly as Dash spoke about Maggie, as a friend and as a member of the
 police force, fighting for justice day in day out.

When she returned to her seat PJ rubbed her arm in thanks.

"You did good, thank you."

~~~~
Don't be confused by my apparent lack of ceremony,
My mind is clear
I may be low or miles high off in the distance,
I want you near.
~~~~

PJ stood and looked down on her coffin, turning behind him Chris handed him a single red rose 
and he turned back and closed his eyes.

"Maggie, what can I say? I love you more than life itself. I'm going to miss you more than 
you'll ever imagine. But promise me you'll stay with me..." He spoke so softly that no one 
else was able to hear him. Thoughts crossed to strain to listen to his words but soon 
disappeared when looking at the anguish on his face.

PJ kissed the soft petals of the rose and dropped it into the hole whispering several final
 words of love.

Taking several steps back he collapsed once again into a heap with tears running down his
 face. Jo chose the moment to move forward and place a hand on his shoulder and crouch 
down to his level.

"PJ." He turned to face her. "Come with me." They were alone at her grave and Jo stood 
and reached out for his hand and pulled him to his feet.

She led him through the cemetery until they stopped behind a large tree. Placing a finger 
on her lips to indicate silence she pointed to an old man standing several meters away. 

"Listen to him." She whispered into his ear.

"My love, I miss you still. So many years, so many tears and I still love you. The hurt 
has stopped but the pain lives on..."

PJ turned to Jo and smiled.

"Thank-you." He took her hand and the slowly walked away leaving the old man standing over 
his wife's grave. His own stray tears still falling.

~~~~
When your day is long, and the night- 
The night is yours alone. 
When you're sure you've had enough of this life. 
Well hang on, hang on, 
Don't let yourself go, 
Cause everybody cries, 
And everybody hurts- 
Sometimes.
~~~~

PJ sat by himself in his kitchen for the first time in days. His mother in bed and everyone
 else at home.

"Maggie, can you hear me? Stupid really if I heard your voice I'd probably faint. I love you
 so much, you know that though. I'm going to miss you forever. And I don't know how I'll ever 
get over this, but I know I will and I know that I have to. I'll think of you always." 

Suddenly the lights in the house went off and PJ was left in darkness. Reaching to a drawer 
he pulled out a candle and some matches. Quickly lighting it and placing it in a glass he 
came across the mug once more.

"This is my goodbye. It's yours and I broke it, for that I'm sorry. But it's my goodbye."

Carefully he dropped the mug into the rubbish bin.

"I love you forever and I hope that you loved me too."

He felt a small breeze and the candle flicker out. Without bothering to re-light it he made 
his way to the bedroom. Stray tears once more falling down his cheeks as his goodbye sunk in.

~~~~
Now your pictures that you left behind 
Are just memories of a different life 
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry 
One that made you have to say goodbye 
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair 
To touch your lips, to hold you near 
When you say your prayers try to understand 
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man 
~~~~


~~THE END~~

Okay so the ending was a bit dodgy... no wait, totally dodgy... but that's life huh? I'd 
*really* appreciate some feedback, good or bad, I don't mind... but yeah you should know 
the addy, but if not suzie@standard.net.au

More Disclaimers: None of the lyrics are mine, surprised? 
They are [in order of appearance]
1] "Angels" By Lisa McCune
2] "Only Lone" By The Scarlet Pimpernel
3] "I'll Stand By You" By The Pretenders
4] "Iris" By Goo Goo Dolls
5] "In The Arms of Sleep" By Smashing Pumpkins
6] "Where did it all go wrong?" By U2
7] "Even when I'm sleeping" By Leonardo's bride
8] "Everybody Hurts" - R.E.M.
9] "Always" By Bon Jovi